When ‘no’ means ‘yes’

Saying no to the people you love can be difficult and fraught with anxiety and guilt, but it doesn’t have to be.  Here’s a simple visualization technique to help you understand what it really means when you say ‘yes’ to someone, when you actually needed/wanted to say ‘no’:

Imagine that the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ are on the opposite sides of a coin.  When you are asked to do something, visualize that your answer will come out of your mouth as a coin.  The coin will be vertical with one flat side facing you and the other flat side facing the person you’re speaking to.  (I know this is silly, but just play along for a minute…)

Now picture saying ‘yes’ to the other person.  The ‘yes’ side of the coin is facing them.  What does the word facing you say?  It says ‘no’.

Because when you say ‘yes’ to someone else’s need for your time, energy and effort, you are in effect saying ‘no’ to yourself.  You are choosing to give your time and energy to someone else rather than to yourself.

Now, if you are doing a great job of self-care and all your needs are met, you’re well rested, you have taken time to eat properly and exercise, and you have some free time and energy and are willing to give it away, then by all means go ahead and say ‘yes’ to that person.

But if on the other hand, you are overworked, stressed, have too little time for yourself, can’t get caught up on things that are important to you, and really don’t have the time/energy to do this for the other person, then if you say ‘yes’ to them and ‘no’ to you, you are negating your own needs and saying that the other person’s needs are more important than yours are.

You are in effect telling yourself, them and life that you are not worth as much as the other person is.  And this is the opposite of self-love.

In fact, while you may think that saying ‘yes’ (when you really want to say ‘no’) is a sign of how much you love the other person, you’d be wrong.  Love is about honoring and respecting one another.  And when you are not honoring and respecting yourself, you are not loving anyone.

Quite the opposite occurs, because you really don’t want to do it (even though you said you would) your energy is not the same, your heart isn’t into the experience, and you may even resent having agreed to it.  That doesn’t sound like the energy of love…

When asked for your time, energy, money or effort, pause and reflect.  Tune into your heart and feel what you’re inspired to do or not do.  What is the response that will feel loving to you and to the other person.  And then be brave and speak your truth.

(Note:  It’s totally acceptable to say ‘no’ even when you have the time and energy — you just may not feel inspired to do it.  That’s fine.  You don’t have to have a reason why.  You don’t have to justify or explain yourself to anyone.)

And it’s entirely possible to say ‘no’ and to do it in a very loving way!  Here’s an example:

“Susie, I am so honored that you asked me to chair your new charity’s golf tournament.  I know that it requires a lot of skill, dedication and coordination.  I am flattered that you feel I would do a good job for you.  And I must decline right now because I have several other things that I’ve already committed to.   You know me, if I’m going to do something, I want to do it right!  But thank you again for thinking of me.”

If you feel inspired to contribute something else (like a prize or money), then offer that to her.  “You know, I would love to help you out in some way.  I’ll donate $30 to your charity.”  Or perhaps you feel like volunteering at the event itself, “Susie, I’d love to help you on the day of the event.  I’ll give you 4 hours of my time in the morning and you can put me to use anyway you’d like.”

And if you don’t want to contribute anything, that’s fine too.  What’s most important is that you are honest, true to yourself, and real to the other person.  When you lie and tell people something that isn’t true (like “I’d love to help you!” when you really mean “Oh no, I don’t want to do this.”), you are not living authentically.  And it doesn’t feel good, to you or the other person.

Try this and notice how much better you’ll feel.  For when you choose to say ‘yes’, you’ll do so from a place of love and inspiration, a desire to help, and a willingness to participate.  And when you choose to say ‘no’ when you mean ‘no’, you are reaffirming your commitment to love, honor and care for yourself.  And that feels good.

And that’s how ‘no’ means ‘yes’.  For when you say ‘no’ to doing something you don’t want to do, you are saying ‘yes’ to yourself!